(As usual, because of the syndication agreement, this column appears here a week after its newspaper release)
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SARAH PALIN FOR REAL
BY BOB FRANKEN
I know I speak for pundits everywhere in saying that all of us want to give a special appreciation to Sarah Palin. We’ve missed you, Mama Grizzly. Yes, showbiz came up with “Game Change,” but those of us in snowbiz need the real thing, and from the bottom of our alleged hearts, we thank you for rescuing us from the desperate scratch for new ways to tell the same story about Mitt and the non-Mitts.
Let’s face it, there are only so many times you can ridicule Mitt Romney’s daily reminder that he’s clueless and out of touch, Newt Gingrich’s latest blowhard deception, Rick Santorum’s efforts to return us to the Dark Ages or Ron Paul’s pronouncements from the Dark Side. But you have always been special, Sarah. For starters, you keep popping up undeterred by embarrassment.
Just a few days after people watched your shredding on HBO, you’re out there demanding a “vetting” of President Barack Obama, and enthralling all your Facebook friends and monitors by offering yourself up to confront him over “the problems everyday Americans face due to the abject failure of our current administration’s policies,” generously telling your fellow citizens “I’m willing and free to discuss these issues with the president anytime and anywhere.”
What more could one ask from a presidential candidate? Wait. What’s that? She’s not a presidential candidate? Not yet, but while all those other guys are making fools of themselves, disgusting everyone with all their thrashing around, she is now dropping huge hints that she just might have no choice but to do her patriotic duty and rescue the nation. How would she do that? Easy.
Surely one of her advisers has been reading to her all the speculation about a brokered convention and explaining to her that if none of the candidates has accumulated enough committed delegates, the nomination could be up for grabs. So Palin has stepped up to the plate, telling Fox Business News: “We could be looking at a brokered convention. ... If months from now, if that’s the case, then all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer themselves up in the name of service to their country. I, uh, I would do whatever I could to help.” That wouldn’t be a brokered convention, that would be shattered one.
Obviously there would be tremendous intrigue about her choice for a running mate. One would think that Newt and Rick were out of luck, because the ticket wouldn’t need two “true conservatives.” And Mitt calls himself a “severe conservative,” an unacceptable redundancy. Surely there is someone, maybe a GOP House member who taps into the widespread popularity of Congress. Actually, this is an important concern, given how she quit long before her term as Alaska governor was over. Somebody would have to be ready to carry on with her policies, no matter how incoherent.
And imagine the debates. Last time around, she called Joe Biden “O’Biden.” No problem with Obama. All she would have to do is once again meet her gruesomely low expectations.
Obviously there would be a tough negotiation over ground rules: No big words or complicated questions. Katie Couric could NOT be the moderator under any circumstance. Perhaps as a debate coach, she could enlist Rick Perry. In the spirit of Rick Santorum’s demand that all should be fluent in English, she could cram and try to become fluent in current events. In any case, Mr. Obama would have quite a dilemma. He can’t look like he’s bullying her, not matter what she says, no matter how dopey.
?????, Sarah, why we are welcoming you back. Never mind that you call us the “lamestream media.” We need comic material. And who knows — the Democrats might get so cocky that they’ll blow the election and you’ll win. Then it stops being funny.
© 2012 Bob Franken
Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc.